Sunday, 27 June 2010

12. Blame It

Whenever I get a little, well, a lot of liquor down my neck I get into this stupid mode of thinking about him. Don't you just hate that? I'm young, reasonably pretty in the face, smart, friendly, bubbly and loyal and yet I can't get out of my own way...I think I've lost my thread of thought.


Oh. He's got a girl now and a kid, and I tell myself  and whoever asks that I hate him and it's because of how much and how long I loved him. I act like I don't care when someone mentions his name but it irritates me, I don't want to know about him or hear about him. Does that mean I haven't moved on?

I think I have but now I'm just really cautious, I don't want to casually date, or link someone just to say I've been there and done that. I'd prefer to find the one, yes, I'm 23, some would say, especially my older brother that it was ambitious of me but I've always been ambitious. Besides, if I listened to my older B I'd be single until I was in my late thirties!

I want to be loved back, I want cuddles, conversation and laughter but I'm too scared to trust it could happen to me. After my sister getting so ill with Hodgkins, I realized that like everyone else out there you think it can't happen to you or it won't happen to someone in your family but it does and it did. It made a believer out of me, no one is exempt from devastations of the world, so why can't it work the other way round? I want to believe it can happen to me, just like Hodgkins happened to my best friend, my sister.

I don't know if any of this is making sense to anyone but it sounded like it did in my head, so I apologize in advance.

Am I too young to want a forever guy now? I don't know, but I want what I want and the freakin' spirits have only intensified the feelings I pushed down when I'm sober, not that I'm drunk right now. *cough*

My mum's only ever been with two guys her whole life, my dad and my step dad. Is it too much to want the same? My only worry is that I could've rejected him already, ignored or not noticed him, hell maybe I haven't even met him yet. I just hope I know in my heart when I do.

Blame this on the alcohol.

Title info. Jamie Foxx

Sleep well,


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