Thursday, 24 June 2010

9. Not Afraid

Well, I'm trying not to be.

So, I probably should've mentioned that I have been trying to get an acting gig at my local theatre; I've actually been on the waiting list for three years now. o.O I don't know if that's a hint, I've chased them up a couple of times but it's taken so long that I'm now too old for their summer workshops. I didn't want to just act in the theatre I wanted to produce some of the plays; I don't know what I was on thinking it was as simple as that.

However, I recently revisited their site and found a section titled 'New Writing,' so I signed up to the mailing list, they were putting together groups of young writers but you had to sign up to express interest. About a week after that I got a few emails, audition parts and experienced writing staff needed but I wasn't interested in the part being offered nor was I experienced in the field of playwriting.

In the month of May I think it was, I was sent an email with an application attached to be a part of a summer project and I literally jumped out of my chair, I filled in the application as best I could which included writing a monologue and creating a character profile. I sent it off and I'm telling you, as soon as I hit send I thought to myself "What are you doing? You're not going to get chosen for this."

I've sat there so many times though, watching rubbish TV and thinking I could write better and then as soon as I had the opportunity to prove it via email I lost my stones, ego or whatever you want to call it. It was only the first stage, answer a few questions and give a writing sample and suddenly I didn't write good enough to show someone who wasn't a friend or family member.

I felt a bit shit, I was scared to say aloud "What I sent was good," in case they told me otherwise. A Word of advice fellow writers...Screw what anyone says, I'm telling you here and now not to give a flying f*** about what people say. I knew it was good but I was being a baby. What if they don't like it? - So, what if they don't? At the end of the day all it means is that they don't like it, nothing more and nothing less.

I should've said "I think this pretty good but if they don't like it, I'll keep trying." As writers I think it's important that we adopt that kind of attitude because if you don't anything anyone says will crush your confidence and your spirit. Guess what? Not everyone is going to like you; it's the way the world works. No matter how good I think I am SOMEONE won't like me or my stories.

So anyway, that's what I should've been telling myself instead of being negative and feeling sorry for myself before I was even rejected. Long story short, after trying to convince my sisters I wasn't going to get an interview I forgot all about it and continued my writing. Well, as you know it was my birthday on the 22nd but I'm never allowed anywhere near the internet on such occasions so I was only able to check my mail yesterday.

What do I find? (Well done on your application. We will send your interview date this week. Once again many congratulations.) I cut that short but you get the drift, point is I didn't believe I was good enough and instead of just being happy for the interview op it was more bittersweet, I keep going in circles and my friend Rae tells me it's the writer's curse. I wholly agree with her (hahaha I said wholly - A year older? Who me? Nooo) there will be days when I feel like everything I write is shit and then there will be days where I feel like a genius. *cough* I'm thinking the real test is to learn how to love both, love the shitty moments and the wow I wrote that moments, right? That's what I think.

I already know my biggest problem is fear of rejection, but in a way I think if this channel does end up telling me I'm not what they're looking for right now that it'll be a blessing in disguise. Of course, if they were to offer me to the opportunity to write with eleven other writers my age to create an online drama I would be in a state of euphoria. It might seem small but to me it's a huge deal to have that experience under my belt, who knows where the drama could go? I'm not going to get ahead of myself, but whether I do well in the interview or not I will always write because it's who I am.

I might just go crazy and start writing to every network in London. After all, I did work briefly for channel 4 which was fun, I wonder if they'd remember me. Wasn't glamorous but c' was channel 4!

To close, I'll let you know that I did get my interview date and it's for June 29th which I've just realized is my nephews 4th birthday. I have to write a brief scene for a very popular soap before the interview and I've already written the outline so I need to get stuck into that, like now.

The point of this entry was to remind myself and to also tell YOU! Not to be afraid of the positive and good things in life, sometimes we spend so much time worrying about how long 'the good' is going to last that we don't enjoy it while it's here, we practically rush it away like a dirty secret we don't want anyone to find out about.

Rejection is good for the soul, it builds character.

Success is also good for the soul, it tests character.

See what I just did there? Am I wiser than my years or just a rambler? You decide. I'm not afraid.

Title info. Eminem

Da nos,


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