No Heaven

Deep Breath...

I had a plan of what I wanted to say in this post but now that I've allowed the day to go on, I know it's not as important as the story I'm going to tell now.

Khimba 'Khimi' Paul - Today she would be turning 24 years old. She loved to dress up, smell nice and do something special, even if it meant some music at home, fancy dress and rock band, as long as we were all together it didn't matter. Family was the most important thing to her, is the most important thing to her.

22. Breathe Me

Recently I've found I am asking myself the same question "What type of person are you?" Because there are only two types in my book, the ones who talk and the ones who do and I've never liked those kind of people who only give a good lip service. The reason why I don't like them is because once you've learned a certain attitude it's hard to unlearn and I've always said you are who you surround yourself with! I'm a sponge, I've said it many times before, I'll soak up absolutely everything until I'm ready to explode and that's no-ones fault but mine, it's just how I am...

The point of this post? I've become a lip service. The worst thing is I'm only lip servicing myself, I wanted to review some of my favourite TV shows inbetween updating 'Night Crawlers' on ffnet and making banners for a cool website 'Bringing TVD to Canada' - Now with the artwork, it's been pretty difficult cause there has been snow and that equals bad internet connection!!!

What is my excuse for not writing?! I write everyday even if it can only be a few hundred words, I WRITE!

Currently, I'm doing nothing I set out to do, I'm finishing nothing I started and I keep telling myself I'll do it tomorrow.

A week or more after my sister's 22nd birthday Oct 21st we learned that the Hodgkins Lymphoma was back, after about six solid months free of the diease it is claiming our lives again, she's barely an adult and she's having to go back to battle. I don't know if it's the unfairness of it all, the anger or fear that keeps me from being able to do the things that pump blood to my heart but I know there is no focus for anything else right now.

I want to get myself back on track, I want to be her armour, the support and strength that she needs but somehow I don't think a cold shower will do the trick. I know that writing has always been my support, my armour and strength, I just desperately need to find my way back to it because I've learned that my writing also helps her, most importantly we all feel healed by it.

This title is so fitting because I feel like this so often. I hope whoever is reading this if anyone that you actually take the time to check out the songs I name my posts after. I never pick songs randomly, they have all affected me in some way or another.

'Breathe Me' - For me this song speaks of my relationship with writing, my connection and how I'm affected when I'm disconnected from it.


Lyrics.

How I feel about myself - Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame



How I feel about my writing - Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me



Without writing - Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Go listen to the amazing song, and if you like, tell me why it affects you? Music speaks to all of us differently.

Title Info. Sia

Night,

ThaWriterzSoundtrack.

20. Calm Under The Waves

  

                                                          

She walks along the beach, golden sand crunching between her toes, there’s a breeze in the air that caresses her skin while the falling sun reflects in the ocean, and a smile warms her face as the water comes closer, higher, and heavier.



Her light summer dress clings to her waist and hugs her breasts; it’s what she wants, needs.


Then she’ll let go.



If only it would carry her away, leaving burdens of the heart to float from her soul.




She could let go.




The stories he told her about the ocean echo in the night as her eyes close and her arms spread like wings, welcoming the coming waves.


The lights ashore are supposed to fade away, along with her memories and the pain is supposed to stop along with her heart.


Instead, the sound of the ocean crashing swells the heart that aches so much as it takes her back home, to shore, to life without him.


The ocean never takes her with it, and she’s left to wonder where it goes and if it’ll ever come back for her, to save her.




She wants to sink but she floats.




She wants to die yet she lives.




But, tomorrow at the same time she’ll seek calm under the waves.