Sunday, 21 October 2012

No Heaven

Deep Breath...

I had a plan of what I wanted to say in this post but now that I've allowed the day to go on, I know it's not as important as the story I'm going to tell now.

Khimba 'Khimi' Paul - Today she would be turning 24 years old. She loved to dress up, smell nice and do something special, even if it meant some music at home, fancy dress and rock band, as long as we were all together it didn't matter. Family was the most important thing to her, is the most important thing to her.

You'd think that amount of dedication to your family was an instinctual and innate part of a person but the truth is, a lot of families are fractured, warring, holding grudges, and today's generation seem to place more stock in their friends and the media than they do their families.

My Khimi was the opposite, she didn't hold grudges, she was too strong for that and she always forgave you if you made a mistake, always. And my post today is my way of making my sister a promise, a promise to honour her and all she stood for, and all she did while she was here until the day I go to and meet her.

Her generosity, her compassion, her creativity, her voice, these are memories I can never forget. I was terrified I would, sick with worry, thinking I would forget the little things, like her favourite perfume, pair of shoes or colour but every time I panic, it comes to me and it feels as though it's her way of reassuring me that she'll never let that happen.

No Heaven

I remember when Khimi stumbled on Justin Nozuka, he was singing 'Mr Therapy Man' and ever since then he's been in this house, filling us with soul and heart bursting lyrics. Although I haven't been able to listen to him since she went to sleep, I always rememeber 'No Heaven' being our song, our favourite song together, we related to the lyrics, it seemed to mirror our bond in quite a sombre way.

"What if there's no heaven?" Was a favourite quote of hers and I worried after she was gone if it could be true, what if there wasn't a heaven for her to go, but after a nightmare I had where I called out to her, asking her to wake me up and she did, I felt watched over, cared for, warm. And I discovered that after all she had been through, and who she was before it all happened, there was nothing less out there for her but Heaven, or something like it. There is a place out there for people like my sister, wonderful, strong, magical spirits - indestructible spirits.

There is a Heaven, and Khim is watching us, wishing we'd be try to be happy at the same time knowing that we can't because she wouldn't be able to either. Not yet.

But I take comfort in knowing that because of her, my family is all I'll ever need, and any friends I have or make along the way are and will be a bonus during this journey I'm on.

Happy 24th Birthday, Khim.

I promise to honour you in everything I do for the rest of my life, people will know you through me and every story I tell. You are my Phoenix.

I love you.


  1. This was so beautiful. Made me cry, and made me so happy I got to know her, even if it was a short time. You and your family are a blessing in my life and Khim helps me stay strong every day. I love you, schelz.

    <3 Jenny

  2. As Jenn has said, this was so beautiful. I'm so glad you still feel Khim reassuring you, and whether it's Heaven or a place just like it, Khimi deserves that.

    You continue to amaze me, and this is a great reminder for me to treasure my family more. *hugs*

  3. I read this as I walked through the park on my way home. It was a peaceful and beautiful fall afternoon and as I read I could feel Khimi all around me.

    I didn't know her very well, not as well as I know you. But I do know from that little time I did and all the things you've told us that she always saw the beauty around her. That is something I have learnt from her and from you.

    I am learning still, to take the time and see the beauty around me. Whether it be a beautiful fall day or just the sound of Drey's special laugh when she is being silly.

    I am so happy that you can feel her with you. I feel my dad sometimes too. Drey is so much like him.

    They never leave us, not completely. And as for forgetting, I don't think that can ever happen. Someone who leaves that profound a mark on our hearts can never be forgotten. And it won't be the big things you remember it'll be those little things that are just so perfectly Khimi.

    I love you, beautiful Fairikins.