Thursday, 18 April 2013
A person who runs away, fugitive; deserter
Runaway used to mean escaping from my world to immigrate into another, one I'd created or another writer had.
Now I'm that runaway without the love, my mind is a runaway train and the only way to stop one of those is to either bleed the breaks or derail it, but physically, as I'm a human being those options do not apply, so what do I do? How to I stop my mind from working at a 'burn out imminent' pace?
Train of thought
I need to write, that is always on my head and always will be, there is nothing I can do or want to do about it, but unfortunately I can't survive on words alone. I need to keep working to make money, to pay my phone bill.
I need to actually finish one of the dozen stories on my computer, all of which are creating a deadly woven web of plots, characters and voices at the same time.
My morning headaches are becoming a ritual. I need to keep up with my exercise routine, keep my blog up to date, finish my coursework to hand in, remember to meditate, look after my puppy, eat healthily, update a fanfiction I started few years back that people are still messaging me about. Forgive me.
I need to send out more query letters to recieve more rejection (this is the most fun), write up a schedule because those always make me feel better, more organized, even though I never follow them. I need to choose a story to write and stick with it without the pressure/aid of nano, visit my brand new niece so she remembers who I am, attend a seminar in two weeks, arrange a sunday brunch with the family to all meet the new baby, BREATHE exercise more, send out more queries.
I want to help my friend arrange her birthday for next month, keep in contact with my friends, write, help my mum with her workshops, do my coursework, write, exercise, otherwise I feel guilty when I don't exercise, feel guilty when I don't write, feel shit as a friend when I don't keep in contact. And then I procrastinate by watching TV online, intensifying the need to do all of the above in one day.
What this train of thought allows me do is nothing.
Prioritise, one might say. My response; douche jar, right now, Schmidt.
I wake up sometimes with this determination to do what I need to do and I get it done, one after the other, keep working, non stop and I feel accomplished. Then I'll wake up the very next day and getting out of bed is the biggest chore. It'll rain and I'll cry because the cry is grey (true story) or I'll cry because I can't find my phone or an address I left on a piece of paper. I feel useless because of this and hopeless and empty.
I have cried because my dog chewed through my earphones. I just can't do it sometimes, I can't do life, it's too difficult and how dare I say that when there are children around the world starving and being raped, their rights to learn and grow and live healthy lives taken from them everyday. Yet, even when I berate myself it doesn't shake me out of this haze, it doesn't energise me to think positively about my own circumstance, my priviledges compared to theirs.
Of course, I know why brain is doing this to me. I know all my medial problems stem from avoiding the bigger, much more crippling, sleep depriving fact. I have lost a part of me I won't get back, not in this lifetime. My sister. She isn't here and I'm forced to keep realising it every time I wake myself up because she isn't around to, it's much easier to give up and sit in a corner with my blanket. In fact, I favour that existence over the one I keep trying to reach, but in order to honour Khimba, I have to keep going despite my exhaustion and believe me, grief is exhausting in every sense of the word.
I cry until I'm too exhuausted to cry, the tears are literally done falling for the day and then the headache follows, my eyes puff out and turn blood red. I hate the world and every single person in it, did I mention that anger and hate is also taxing? Yep, that too.
Don't worry, it doesn't last long and it isn't personal. I don't hate you, I never did really, I love you and I will be ok. I'll pick myself up tomorrow and start again, my vigour will be back for a while at least. I may burn out again but I have a motivation, I have a beacon to set my sights on and that is my sister.
What else can I do but what I'm doing?
Please keep the advice to yourself, it sounds too good to give away
I have to hope that one day I won't be so aware that everything I do is to forget what I have lost. Today is a bad day, maybe tomorrow won't be, I can only hope for the best.
I want to write more than anything. I want to. I need to. I have to but can't, not today.
Advice, I don't need but an 'it's ok.' I welcome, or even a change of subject. Don't burden yourself with the 'right' things to say, only say what you want to say.
How depressing. Care for some Schmidt? Go on, please!