I'm the one who was always late to the party. This is a post that was written a little while ago now but there was something about it that I didn't like. I've left it so long, I don't actually remember what that was, so here it is.
It's A Big Deal
I have a new job! After my sister passed away it took me almost a year to even consider leaving the house let alone going back to work but I did it. I've been in this job for almost 6 months now and the time has flown by so quickly it has taken my breath away. I really enjoy being around children, I find their innocence, their laughter and their creativity has been a great help in my grieving process. For 9 hours a day, I'm not allowed to be sad, angry or numb because I'm around 3 month old babies and 4 year old chilren, they need my attention and approval and care all the time.
I'm slowly moving forward moment to moment and with the help of my family and some really great friends, I have good days to balance out the bad ones. I have focus and ambition like never before because I need something to look forward to or I'll stop moving and die. - I made a list a year ago on my LJ of the things I wanted to do to be a better role model to my sisters and I'm proud to say I can tick one or two of them off.
It's Natural To Be Afraid
I think no. 4 on the list was being able to take my younger sisters on holiday. Well, Friday 24th of this month we'll be in Italy soaking up some sun and culture. A week ago I decided quite impulsively that we needed a break and went looking for flights and the next day I booked them.
Printing out my itinenary this morning made me realise that I have never done anything impulsive before, not like this and it panicked me a little. I don't know anyone in Italy, I don't speak the language and I am the world's worst navigator but most of all I am responsible for my younger sisters while we're out there. For once I am the adult. Uh-oh. I'm kind of excited.
Meant To Be
Why Italy? Until a few days ago I thought I picked the destination out of a figurative hat but now I realise it was meant to be, let me tell you why. A few years ago my dad started learning Italian, he had all the books and CDs and he even tried to teach me a few words which I'm now wishing I had paid attention to. But that's not all, I have had a character called Nikki Askatino for several years now, since my late teens and he's an Italian guy based on my older brother's school friend, he used to come around and they'd go skating together. He was Italian too.
And lastly, the most uncanny thing is my bracelet. A few days ago after I had booked the tickets I was with my kids and a little boy who has grown quite attached to me and visa versa, sat on my lap - he always plays with my bracelet but this time he turned it around and said 'does this say Italy' and I looked down and engraved in the clasp of the bracelet it said Italy, I have had this bracelet since I was 14, it was a birthday present and it immediately made me think of Derren Brown and the power of Subliminal suggestion. I had seen all these things relating to the country for so long that it was the obvious choice though it seemed like at first like a random one.
That's It Folks!
So wish me luck on this new adventure, where I actually do the things that scare me. It's a brave new world I'm living in, may I continue to reside in this place and feel alive.
Expect an update about my trip to Italy.