Tuesday, 10 August 2010

19. Apparently Unaffected

There are days when things really get to me and then there are days when those same things won't even get a flinch out of me, on those apparently unaffected days I find myself asking what the difference is with me. Why do I stop reacting?

Is it my ego?

Since my sister was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma life has been very different, and we've all been different personalities but sometimes there'll be glimpses of the old us, my sister in particular has changed a lot of course, there's no way you get cancer and don't change. But, it's on the good days that I remember the girl before the illness, the one who used to make me laugh so hard I'd choke or carry me away with her singing.

There's not much of that right now, and I know the doctor said it would take up to a year for her to feel normal again but my patience sometimes wavers, I'm like a sponge, I soak up the moods of the ones around me and chemo would leave her really drained and sick in turn leaving me the same. She gets really low, and I mean really low and unresponsive, sometimes tearful, after everything that's happened to her I can't blame her either but sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode. The emotion is too powerful to hide from, it fills the whole house and once I'm affected EVERYONE else is affected. Why?

I'm the strong one, I didn't give myself the role, it kind of just happened from a young age and with everyone falling apart I knew if I did too then the fight would be over before it had begun so I became comic relief, I didn't let anyone cry for long without making them laugh. After a while it became habit and I didn't know how to cry even when I was absolutely devastated or falling to pieces, writing has always been my survival and so I relied on that to keep me from giving up on myself.

Now I figure that the difference is my ego. I sometimes forget that it is normal for my sister to have mood swings and on those days where I'm affected by it and react I realize that it's my ego not allowing me to let it go. If I take the time to remember what she's been through, what we've all been through the past two years than I can let it go, and I do when I remember but sometimes it seems so unreal, like it didn't happen to her, us.

The days that I do forget that it happened to us are the days that I'm affected by everything, from her moods to my step dad laughing too loud but when I remember to appreciate the lesson and the journey I realize what's worth my reaction.

I guess what I'm saying is trials and tribulations really do show us what matters and what doesn't, some of us spend too much time being angry or hateful that we forget to focus on the love with have for those close. 50 Cent said 'Some days wouldn't special, if it wasn't for rain, joy wouldn't feel so good if it wasn't for pain.' that's something I hope to keep reminding myself of it every day!

On a good note, I’m helping my sister write her story and it’s called ‘Rule The World’ I know, right? I’m a very busy girl but I seem to live better in chaos, stressed and zombified.

I usually have a short fuse, today, I'm apparently unaffected.

Title info. Maria Mena



No comments:

Post a Comment