14. All I Do Is Win

                                                   

Today was interesting, I woke up feeling good, now to some that would sound odd but for me it doesn't happen often at all, I usually have to thaw out during the day, I rarely wake up feeling bright and ready for the world. So, I expected an email as you know from a producer I've been speaking to about writing for but I haven't heard anything back and it's friday.


I'm to assume I didn't get the writer's position, I think I hyped up fear of rejection so much that when it finally happened it didn't feel as bad as I thought that it would. I mean, yeah I'm bummed but I'm not devastated, I really wanted the opportunity to have the BBC under my belt of writing experience but it didn't work out that way. I did the same when getting my tattoo, I kept going on about how much it was going to hurt and when I sat down though it burned I didn't want to run away from it, the pain was bearable.

So why was I in a good mood? Professionally, it was my first rejection. I haven't recieved my rejection email as yet but after a week I know where it's going, and like I said in my last post I think it was rejection builds character. If I wasn't me, I would want to see what I was going to do next, after this black mark on my confidence? LOL

Hmm, I guess I'm going to keep writing like I said I would, if writing wasn't me than I would've given up a very long time ago, but the producer said when she emailed me about the interview that my writing was really good, and I should be glad to have gotten an interview because of how many applicantions they got. C'mon, feedback from someone who has written for theatre and is now the producer of an iconic soap's spin off? I'm pretty pleased with myself, it was validation that I am indeed a good writer. *Collective sighs* Yes, I know, my friends have told me and my family have told me, but I discussed them in an earlier post, sometimes the ones that love you lie.

So I've decided, I'm going to learn how to screenwrite, yep I want it on my list of 'Accomplishments' I'm still a novelist but I want to write a script, I actually started out writing scripts because I didn't know how to write novels correctly.

Nikki - Shut the hell up, was I talking to you?

Bryce - Well no, but I thought I should explain...

Nikki - Don't explain, leave me alone.

Bryce - Alright, fine.

Nikki - Fine.

Bryce - You want the last word, don't you?"

Nikki - That's usally how it works.

Nikki and Bryce walk separate way.

See, my script was pure dialogue and a little direction and not much of anything else, I just made that little scene up as an example but yeah, that's pretty much all I wrote, a bunch of conversations. Now, I want to learn how to structure a script correctly, and who knows I might just send some of them out for the fun of it without the secret 'hope' it becomes something more, I think I'd get a kick out them being sent back with a note or two. *shrug*

The end of a chapter, an experience, an opportunity. I'm moving on, while resisting the urge to write the boring story of a writer who tried to become a TV writer, LOL - Just kiddin' I couldn't sit through a boring story, even if I was the one writing it.

In other news, just a random declaration of love for Ed Norton. I like him as an actor, but there's also something about his face that I really like and I don't even know what it is. To name a few movies of his I liked, Fight Club of course, American History X (Even though he was a racist bitch throughout most it) Down the Valley? And Hulk.

Lastly, I'm a funny girl, and when I say that I'm not talking about making people laugh, I mean I have my ways about me that are, I don't know, odd. Well, if I told my sister what I'm about to tell you then she'd probably tell me...actually you don't want to know what she'd tell me because she's the devil on my shoulder.

Getting to the point, I usually write short scenes or do a quick collabrative story with someone when I've got mind block and I asked a friend if she'd be willing to write something out with me, she agreed which I was happy about and although we didn't set a specific time we pretty much knew when it was going to happen. Well, when it came to that time she didn't say anything and neither did I, you might say I should've just mentioned it again, reminded her of our agreement but here's where the funny comes in to it. I can't, and if she doesn't mention it I will never bring it up again, is that silly? Am I too proud?

I'm not sure I know what it is but if I ask someone to do something and they don't, for me that's the end of it and I move on and do what I have to do on my own. I'm not saying she's deliberately not bringing it up, I don't think she'd do that, she could even be waiting for me to bring it up again but I won't, I've always been this way.

I don't ask twice.

I think it's me automatically feeling like a burden once I've asked again, and it's also me not wanting to have to. Who knows? It's probably some deep seated child hood issue I haven't dealt with yet.

Right, so...challenge: Script

Why do I want to write a script?

Because I'm a writer and always will be, one day someone read and then I'll write some more until someone buys and sells, it's getting up and dusting my arse off after a 'No, Thank you' that makes me a winner.


Title Info. DJ Khaled.


Good Night, Good Morning,


ThaWriterzSoundtrack.

13. I Shall Believe

Warning: Long, long post.
I came with an idea the other day for my online series 'Behind The Bar' but before that, I think I should update you on that writing gig for the BBC. In my 'Not Afraid' post I mentioned that I had an interview for the 29th, well you wouldn't believe the drama of that day.

First off, the travelling time was ridiculous, I hate public transport but I shouldn't really complain because I should've been driving ages ago but everything with me is at snail speed and I despise that mentality. Anyway, I should've checked the stations on the internet before I left but I thought I could just ask the ones that work at the train station, when I got there and asked the place I was going weren't even on the tube map. The lady had to leave her seat from behind the window and look in some other planner or whatever, then when she came back gave me this complicated route, a load of train change over's.

I did what she said and I was moving pretty quick from train to train, I had more than enough time on my hands to find this place because I left two hours before the interview time, like Drake said, better late than never but never late is better. So, I got to Farringdon changed platforms to the first connect or something national railway? I'm waiting, then I ask a man that was walking up and down the platform with those neon coloured waistcoats what train to get, I told him where I was going.

His response "You're on the wrong platform, love. You need the one opposite you, look out for the train you've got written down on your paper.' I thanked him and crossed over, looked at the board with all the stations on and thought I had the right train in mind. When it came I got on, had plenty of time still and sat back turning up my iPod on Trey Songz. (Yes, I kept my eyes open at every stop)

Time started to slip away from me, so now I'm sitting up checking the stops as we pass them but we're not stopping at some of them, some of which were written down on my info sheet, I kept my music on, because of course music makes me calm even if it's rock...well not really, that can sometimes hype me. I digress, so I'm looking at these stops, the train is semi packed, there are crying babies and chatter, next thing I know I've got ten minutes before I'm late for this interview.

I texted the production manager, I apologized and told her it was looking like I was going to be late and she said okay, as long as I could make it for 12:45pm because the producer had other business to tend to, I said yes. Wrong answer, this train wasn't stopping for anybody and I just had to sit there and not only be late but also past the time she had before she left.

I was in bits, kept texting back and forth between the manager and my sister. "I blew it," is what I sent my sis. The train starting stopping at stations again but it felt like half hour each time, then it stopped at Bedford and basically told everyone we were at the final destination. o.O

*insert cursing* I go over gates where the men are checking tickets and ask him about this studio, and he smiles you know, he smiles and says. "No love, that's all the way on the other side, you're in North," not only was I way past my destination which was far enough, I was a long, long way from home. (Love that song)

He tells me to get on the fast train that's just come in and get off at St. Albans, so I do. I'll give their trains on thing; they're classy, seats, tables, air con and very fast. Long story made short, I didn't make it and on the way back home I was pissed off with myself, one, I knew I should've checked the damn internet and two, I should be DRIVING! - LOL

I get home after six trains, three there and back and literally went to bed, I just crashed out because I was so tired, probably woke up an hour or so later when I heard my sisters in the living room making noise over football.

Interview Reschedule - Friday.

Text: Friday? This Friday? What time? And I got no response, so I assumed either it wasn't going to happen or it wasn't for this week.

Friday 2nd - I'm usually up by 8 every morning, weekends 10am. This particular Friday, I overslept o.O waking up to the sound of my phone going off, I open one eye and flip it open to read the text. It was from the producer asking me to come in for 3:30pm that afternoon, I took a pause and then looked at the time and it was 11am!

New & Improved Route: All I had to do is go 'WC' station which took me straight to 'Kings Cross/ St. Pancras International?? Am I kidding you? No, I kid you not; these arses at the stations don't know their own damn jobs. Two...TWO TRAINS! And I was there with minutes to spare.

Meeting & Pre Interview: I got my visitors badge, walked between the set of a very iconic soap that I've watched all my life, very surreal moment looking at props and family sets but moving on. I met the producer, she was very nice, friendly, pretty face, well dressed and welcoming. I followed her to her office and sat down, she asked me about travel and so on. Now, I don't know if you know but summer has arrived, so I may have looked good when I left my yard but I wasn't looking too good by the time I got to her, I excused myself and went to the bathroom, with her instructions of course and unlike many who are nervous pukers, I found out I was the opposite.

One of my characters, Lil, is a nervous girl, she's not a nervous puker either, she's a bubble guts and I became one too. *Cringe*

I did however, feel so much better going back to the office this time joined by another young girl, I sat down and said hi and we got talking while 'Miss producer' got our info from her computer, I was quite proud of myself but I'm not usually forward with new people.

Interview: 'How long have you been writing, what character would you like to see, how would you change this?'

These were the types of questions she asked me, I think I answered well enough; I was clear and confident because this is what I love to do. When I'm interviewed for a nursery Job, I stutter, I can't answer all of their questions about the current curriculum, all I can say is I love kids, I have a big family and I have this qualification.


It's so different though, when someone is asking you about your passion instead of your job, you don't want to get me started, I could talk all day about writing in general not just what I write. No matter what she asked me, I could answer because there's no wrong answer, it's all personal experience and for me writing is very personal, publicly personal if that makes sense.

We talked about the shows that I watched, a few that I mentioned she also liked which was cool but it was when she asked me how old I was I thought "Maaan," Now, when I applied I was twenty two years old by the time they replied back I was twenty three, they got in contact and gave me an interview date on my actual birthday. I think it's the only thing weighing against me, if I don't get called back to join the other writers it'll be because I was too old.

Can you believe that? I'm too old.

But, I shall believe I have a chance until I'm told otherwise. I will get the answer on Monday, and then I'll know what my next step is going to be. I did want to share my new idea but this post is too long already, so I'll do a separate one.

But for now, I shall believe in thyself.  =D


Title Info. Sheryl Crow


Buon Giorno,


ThaWriterzSoundtrack.

12. Blame It

Whenever I get a little, well, a lot of liquor down my neck I get into this stupid mode of thinking about him. Don't you just hate that? I'm young, reasonably pretty in the face, smart, friendly, bubbly and loyal and yet I can't get out of my own way...I think I've lost my thread of thought.

Mmm...

Oh. He's got a girl now and a kid, and I tell myself  and whoever asks that I hate him and it's because of how much and how long I loved him. I act like I don't care when someone mentions his name but it irritates me, I don't want to know about him or hear about him. Does that mean I haven't moved on?

I think I have but now I'm just really cautious, I don't want to casually date, or link someone just to say I've been there and done that. I'd prefer to find the one, yes, I'm 23, some would say, especially my older brother that it was ambitious of me but I've always been ambitious. Besides, if I listened to my older B I'd be single until I was in my late thirties!

I want to be loved back, I want cuddles, conversation and laughter but I'm too scared to trust it could happen to me. After my sister getting so ill with Hodgkins, I realized that like everyone else out there you think it can't happen to you or it won't happen to someone in your family but it does and it did. It made a believer out of me, no one is exempt from devastations of the world, so why can't it work the other way round? I want to believe it can happen to me, just like Hodgkins happened to my best friend, my sister.

I don't know if any of this is making sense to anyone but it sounded like it did in my head, so I apologize in advance.

Am I too young to want a forever guy now? I don't know, but I want what I want and the freakin' spirits have only intensified the feelings I pushed down when I'm sober, not that I'm drunk right now. *cough*

My mum's only ever been with two guys her whole life, my dad and my step dad. Is it too much to want the same? My only worry is that I could've rejected him already, ignored or not noticed him, hell maybe I haven't even met him yet. I just hope I know in my heart when I do.

Blame this on the alcohol.



Title info. Jamie Foxx


Sleep well,


ThaWriterzSountrack.

11. Man In The Mirror

I don't care what people say, Michael jackson was BAD! Who can top him, ever? There will never be another human being like this man.

Opinions are exactly that, and it's human nature that some of those narrow minded people would focus on the negative aspects of his life but I never wavered, I will always be a fan. People forget all the good things he did for people around the world that weren't his blood, for children that weren't his own and he made a difference to so many.

I grew up listening to Michael Jackson, my mum had all his records, our TV was black and white so we'd spend most of our time listening to music and he lifted us up. It's amazing what music can do to and for your soul, my sister who is only sixteen months younger than me told my mum at age 4 that'd one day she'd marry him. LOL - we watched 'Moonwalker' on video every day like it was a soap.

 I still  don't know which album is my favourite out of Bad and Thriller but I do know that his music will aways be a part of my life and so many others around the world.

I love you, Michael Jackson.

                                                        August 1958 - June 2009
                                                                         RIP

10. Birthday Sex

It's my friend's birthday in a little less than three months and she asked me to write her an erotic story. <.<

I've never attempted to write a sex story...actually, that's a lie, I have attempted but I failed miserably each time. Ideally it would be more sensual than raunchy with an actual story at the heart of their sexcapade; it would be more playful and passionate than hard core because that's what would appeal to me as a reader. My friend though, also my sister in law is on the other side of the fence, and well it is her birthday but my sister says I should write it from the gut while implementing Lana Lang's smut. (She looks like the then 24hr damsel in distress and so the nickname was born)

I'd have to agree too, it's like a tattoo artist, if he couldn't tattoo dragons then he'd have someone else do the tattoo rather than doing it and not liking the result, it's him and his art first, and he then shares that art with everyone else. I feel that way about my writing, I don't care for smut though I have no qualms with anyone who does, I have a few friends who love smut and slash and all that other...stuff!

I don't always have to agree with my characters choices but I want to be able to feel like I understand the motivations that drive them towards those choices. I don't know if I'm over thinking this, I probably am but it's not just a little birthday story, it's my story, I'm writing it and I want to be happy with it.

Another hiccup is how I'm going to write it, 'He slipped his erect penis into her vagina' Heck no, that's too technical; this isn't a sex Ed class.

What about? 'He entered her' No! She's not a catflap for god's sake.

And finally, how about, 'He slid his c*** into her dripping p****? UGH! F*** no, I cringe when I read stories with those words, for one I hate those descriptions because it's like putting a wet cloth over a burning candle and two, it just sounds so trashy to me. I want sensual, warm, passionate fun and love making.

Cliche?

I don't give a shit, I'd rather melt over something sweet and maybe a tad cliche than cringe and get embarrassed by bold descriptive.

The last time I said the word 'fanny&willy' I was eleven so that's out too. Other words like vee-jay, bajingo, cunt, sex and core are just, well would you take them seriously if you read it in a sex/love scene? Exactly!

My sister's preferred description is my favourite 'life' I laugh so hard every time she tries to convince me to use it. 'He entered her life, slipped into her life,' God I love her! Half of my family should be in the nut house.

What's wrong with writing a couple play fighting in bed? I think that's sexy, without the sex.

So what do I do, huh? LOL - I'm going to just going write and go with the flow, every writer likes a challenge and I have been inspired lately to write something out of my comfort zone. After writing those horrible sex scenes, I shall redeem myself with witty banter, sensual teasing and sex without...sex? This doesn't have to be hard, I just have to channel my inner...freak? Every girl is one, with the right guy ;)

I got Drake's 'Thank Me Later' album for my birthday and I haven't stopped playing it since, his voice, his lyrics...He IS music! And believe it or not, he inspires my muse so let's hope I can come up with something that's a fine balance of mine and Lana's personalities.

I don't know why I always do this, stress before I need to. I've got months yet.


UPDATE: I know me too well, I was clearly in a snobbish mood and ended up ranting. I'm feeling a lot easier about writing this story, sex included and Lana better damn well like it. I still prefer to read than write stories with sex in it but whatever. I'm gone!



Title info. Jeremih



Peace,



ThaWriterzSoundtrack.

9. Not Afraid

Well, I'm trying not to be.

So, I probably should've mentioned that I have been trying to get an acting gig at my local theatre; I've actually been on the waiting list for three years now. o.O I don't know if that's a hint, I've chased them up a couple of times but it's taken so long that I'm now too old for their summer workshops. I didn't want to just act in the theatre I wanted to produce some of the plays; I don't know what I was on thinking it was as simple as that.

However, I recently revisited their site and found a section titled 'New Writing,' so I signed up to the mailing list, they were putting together groups of young writers but you had to sign up to express interest. About a week after that I got a few emails, audition parts and experienced writing staff needed but I wasn't interested in the part being offered nor was I experienced in the field of playwriting.

In the month of May I think it was, I was sent an email with an application attached to be a part of a summer project and I literally jumped out of my chair, I filled in the application as best I could which included writing a monologue and creating a character profile. I sent it off and I'm telling you, as soon as I hit send I thought to myself "What are you doing? You're not going to get chosen for this."

I've sat there so many times though, watching rubbish TV and thinking I could write better and then as soon as I had the opportunity to prove it via email I lost my stones, ego or whatever you want to call it. It was only the first stage, answer a few questions and give a writing sample and suddenly I didn't write good enough to show someone who wasn't a friend or family member.

I felt a bit shit, I was scared to say aloud "What I sent was good," in case they told me otherwise. A Word of advice fellow writers...Screw what anyone says, I'm telling you here and now not to give a flying f*** about what people say. I knew it was good but I was being a baby. What if they don't like it? - So, what if they don't? At the end of the day all it means is that they don't like it, nothing more and nothing less.

I should've said "I think this pretty good but if they don't like it, I'll keep trying." As writers I think it's important that we adopt that kind of attitude because if you don't anything anyone says will crush your confidence and your spirit. Guess what? Not everyone is going to like you; it's the way the world works. No matter how good I think I am SOMEONE won't like me or my stories.

So anyway, that's what I should've been telling myself instead of being negative and feeling sorry for myself before I was even rejected. Long story short, after trying to convince my sisters I wasn't going to get an interview I forgot all about it and continued my writing. Well, as you know it was my birthday on the 22nd but I'm never allowed anywhere near the internet on such occasions so I was only able to check my mail yesterday.

What do I find? (Well done on your application. We will send your interview date this week. Once again many congratulations.) I cut that short but you get the drift, point is I didn't believe I was good enough and instead of just being happy for the interview op it was more bittersweet, I keep going in circles and my friend Rae tells me it's the writer's curse. I wholly agree with her (hahaha I said wholly - A year older? Who me? Nooo) there will be days when I feel like everything I write is shit and then there will be days where I feel like a genius. *cough* I'm thinking the real test is to learn how to love both, love the shitty moments and the wow I wrote that moments, right? That's what I think.

I already know my biggest problem is fear of rejection, but in a way I think if this channel does end up telling me I'm not what they're looking for right now that it'll be a blessing in disguise. Of course, if they were to offer me to the opportunity to write with eleven other writers my age to create an online drama I would be in a state of euphoria. It might seem small but to me it's a huge deal to have that experience under my belt, who knows where the drama could go? I'm not going to get ahead of myself, but whether I do well in the interview or not I will always write because it's who I am.

I might just go crazy and start writing to every network in London. After all, I did work briefly for channel 4 which was fun, I wonder if they'd remember me. Wasn't glamorous but c'mon...it was channel 4!

To close, I'll let you know that I did get my interview date and it's for June 29th which I've just realized is my nephews 4th birthday. I have to write a brief scene for a very popular soap before the interview and I've already written the outline so I need to get stuck into that, like now.

The point of this entry was to remind myself and to also tell YOU! Not to be afraid of the positive and good things in life, sometimes we spend so much time worrying about how long 'the good' is going to last that we don't enjoy it while it's here, we practically rush it away like a dirty secret we don't want anyone to find out about.

Rejection is good for the soul, it builds character.

Success is also good for the soul, it tests character.

See what I just did there? Am I wiser than my years or just a rambler? You decide. I'm not afraid.


Title info. Eminem


Da nos,


ThaWriterzSoundtrack.

8. Rehab

Hello,




I remember when I started this blog, it was so that discussing my writing would remind me to start that blasted series I've wanted to do for so long. I think it has so much potential to be my best work, and something that I can constantly improve and expand on!



I don't want to give away the whole thing, and that's because for some reason I think I'm actually good enough to be plagiarized, how that must sound...(Ugh, I abuse ellipses) but seriously, I'm not one of those writers who assumes just because they 'write' they're good, I write absolute rubbish sometimes. I hold my hands up; I'm still learning and always will be any writer will tell you that, right?



But, yes but. I'm blessed enough to have those rare moments where I actually write something amazing, to me anyway. This series that I've been dying to work on is one of those amazing moments, and I think I'm a little crazy to want post it online instead holding on to it in hopes of publications.



I have a few reasons for this.



1) I think someday I'll have a following, whether small and loyal or big and overwhelming I want readers to have something that is always available to them. I know, I'm getting way ahead of myself but that's the kind of person I am, I'm a dreamer. I can dream can't I?



If I was published, my online series would be accessible between published works and it would be something I was always working on because who knows how many series I can get out of it?



2) This is like an experiment, personal project, writing exercise. I want something that doesn't have a beginning, middle and end but an ongoing development that has time to grow and change, while the characters also grow and change little by little. Now, I know this how any story should go but a series doesn't have to have a set of specific events that lead you to the big ending. It’ll be a while yet.



3) I love my characters. The very first person I actually got to know was Nikki and I've been writing him since I was a teenager, along with him is his huge family, The Askatinos'. He has two younger brothers and the series is about them and their friends, Nikki will make an appearance in the near future but not in the beginning. Long story short, I love writing Nikki and now I want to write Izzy and Peyton.



4) The set up.



Behind The Bar: Isaiah aka Izzy works in a bar called 'Pitch Black' as a bartender along with best friend, Miller and Barmaid Korey. Their boss Davis who is too friendly and not enough bossy is short staffed and leaves it up to his trusty barmen to fill the spot before the big Ice Hockey game. That is the pilot I'm working on, each episode will be titled after a drink and there'll probably be about thirteen episodes a season, I'm going to have so much fun writing and researching for this. I get excited just talking about it, I’ve already set up two blogs, one for the series and the other is their diary blog, you might even get spoiler in their entries. ;)



You’d have to actually read the entries though. Hehe



Not that BTB was the reason for this post, what I wanted to say was that I'm proud to announce I've finished Rehab. After twenty-nine chapters, 110,000 words and a whole year later I have finally finished the emotional rollercoaster tale and really look forward to writing the sequel which is strictly for the family, they insisted. LOL – I’ve got some serious editing to do before I get back to my fantasy story. ‘Malfearia’



Any who, I've gone on so long it's past midnight and is now officially my birthday.





Happy Birthday to me!





Title info - Rihanna





Goodnight,





ThaWriterzSoundtrack.

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