Deep Breath...
I had a plan of what I wanted to
say in this post but now that I've allowed the day to go on, I know
it's not as important as the story I'm going to tell now.
Khimba 'Khimi' Paul
- Today she would be turning 24 years old. She loved to dress up, smell
nice and do something special, even if it meant some music at home,
fancy dress and rock band, as long as we were all together it didn't
matter. Family was the most important thing to her, is the most
important thing to her.
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Sunday, 21 October 2012
Wednesday, 24 August 2011
I miss God
She's not here anymore. I'm barely here. Nothing means anything to me, and I don't want anyone to tell me to move on or tell me 'you'll be alright' because it's a lie.
When you spend 23 years of your life next to someone, protecting them, loving them, growing with them, learning from them, when they go, there's no filling the HOLE.
When you spend 23 years of your life next to someone, protecting them, loving them, growing with them, learning from them, when they go, there's no filling the HOLE.
Thursday, 28 April 2011
23. Numb
I’ve never seen so much bravery, courage and strength in one person in my life, she’s a warrior, I call her my Phoenix.
She's my hero.
Even after everything Khim's been through, chemo for two years, two transplants, four hickmans, a pick line, hear loss four times, steroids, eighty something lava liquid needles, infections, bloating, mouth sores, over a hundred blood tests and now an NG tube. You can't tell me that's not heroic.
Title Info. Barcelona
Never goodbye, just see you later.
Sunday, 5 December 2010
22. Breathe Me
Recently I've found I am asking myself the same question "What type of person are you?" Because there are only two types in my book, the ones who talk and the ones who do and I've never liked those kind of people who only give a good lip service. The reason why I don't like them is because once you've learned a certain attitude it's hard to unlearn and I've always said you are who you surround yourself with! I'm a sponge, I've said it many times before, I'll soak up absolutely everything until I'm ready to explode and that's no-ones fault but mine, it's just how I am...
The point of this post? I've become a lip service. The worst thing is I'm only lip servicing myself, I wanted to review some of my favourite TV shows inbetween updating 'Night Crawlers' on ffnet and making banners for a cool website 'Bringing TVD to Canada' - Now with the artwork, it's been pretty difficult cause there has been snow and that equals bad internet connection!!!
What is my excuse for not writing?! I write everyday even if it can only be a few hundred words, I WRITE!
Currently, I'm doing nothing I set out to do, I'm finishing nothing I started and I keep telling myself I'll do it tomorrow.
A week or more after my sister's 22nd birthday Oct 21st we learned that the Hodgkins Lymphoma was back, after about six solid months free of the diease it is claiming our lives again, she's barely an adult and she's having to go back to battle. I don't know if it's the unfairness of it all, the anger or fear that keeps me from being able to do the things that pump blood to my heart but I know there is no focus for anything else right now.
I want to get myself back on track, I want to be her armour, the support and strength that she needs but somehow I don't think a cold shower will do the trick. I know that writing has always been my support, my armour and strength, I just desperately need to find my way back to it because I've learned that my writing also helps her, most importantly we all feel healed by it.
This title is so fitting because I feel like this so often. I hope whoever is reading this if anyone that you actually take the time to check out the songs I name my posts after. I never pick songs randomly, they have all affected me in some way or another.
'Breathe Me' - For me this song speaks of my relationship with writing, my connection and how I'm affected when I'm disconnected from it.
Lyrics.
How I feel about myself - Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame
How I feel about my writing - Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Without writing - Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Go listen to the amazing song, and if you like, tell me why it affects you? Music speaks to all of us differently.
Title Info. Sia
Night,
ThaWriterzSoundtrack.
The point of this post? I've become a lip service. The worst thing is I'm only lip servicing myself, I wanted to review some of my favourite TV shows inbetween updating 'Night Crawlers' on ffnet and making banners for a cool website 'Bringing TVD to Canada' - Now with the artwork, it's been pretty difficult cause there has been snow and that equals bad internet connection!!!
What is my excuse for not writing?! I write everyday even if it can only be a few hundred words, I WRITE!
Currently, I'm doing nothing I set out to do, I'm finishing nothing I started and I keep telling myself I'll do it tomorrow.
A week or more after my sister's 22nd birthday Oct 21st we learned that the Hodgkins Lymphoma was back, after about six solid months free of the diease it is claiming our lives again, she's barely an adult and she's having to go back to battle. I don't know if it's the unfairness of it all, the anger or fear that keeps me from being able to do the things that pump blood to my heart but I know there is no focus for anything else right now.
I want to get myself back on track, I want to be her armour, the support and strength that she needs but somehow I don't think a cold shower will do the trick. I know that writing has always been my support, my armour and strength, I just desperately need to find my way back to it because I've learned that my writing also helps her, most importantly we all feel healed by it.
This title is so fitting because I feel like this so often. I hope whoever is reading this if anyone that you actually take the time to check out the songs I name my posts after. I never pick songs randomly, they have all affected me in some way or another.
'Breathe Me' - For me this song speaks of my relationship with writing, my connection and how I'm affected when I'm disconnected from it.
Lyrics.
How I feel about myself - Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame
How I feel about my writing - Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Without writing - Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Go listen to the amazing song, and if you like, tell me why it affects you? Music speaks to all of us differently.
Title Info. Sia
Night,
ThaWriterzSoundtrack.
Tuesday, 10 August 2010
19. Apparently Unaffected
There are days when things really get to me and then there are days when those same things won't even get a flinch out of me, on those apparently unaffected days I find myself asking what the difference is with me. Why do I stop reacting?
Is it my ego?
Since my sister was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma life has been very different, and we've all been different personalities but sometimes there'll be glimpses of the old us, my sister in particular has changed a lot of course, there's no way you get cancer and don't change. But, it's on the good days that I remember the girl before the illness, the one who used to make me laugh so hard I'd choke or carry me away with her singing.
There's not much of that right now, and I know the doctor said it would take up to a year for her to feel normal again but my patience sometimes wavers, I'm like a sponge, I soak up the moods of the ones around me and chemo would leave her really drained and sick in turn leaving me the same. She gets really low, and I mean really low and unresponsive, sometimes tearful, after everything that's happened to her I can't blame her either but sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode. The emotion is too powerful to hide from, it fills the whole house and once I'm affected EVERYONE else is affected. Why?
I'm the strong one, I didn't give myself the role, it kind of just happened from a young age and with everyone falling apart I knew if I did too then the fight would be over before it had begun so I became comic relief, I didn't let anyone cry for long without making them laugh. After a while it became habit and I didn't know how to cry even when I was absolutely devastated or falling to pieces, writing has always been my survival and so I relied on that to keep me from giving up on myself.
Now I figure that the difference is my ego. I sometimes forget that it is normal for my sister to have mood swings and on those days where I'm affected by it and react I realize that it's my ego not allowing me to let it go. If I take the time to remember what she's been through, what we've all been through the past two years than I can let it go, and I do when I remember but sometimes it seems so unreal, like it didn't happen to her, us.
The days that I do forget that it happened to us are the days that I'm affected by everything, from her moods to my step dad laughing too loud but when I remember to appreciate the lesson and the journey I realize what's worth my reaction.
I guess what I'm saying is trials and tribulations really do show us what matters and what doesn't, some of us spend too much time being angry or hateful that we forget to focus on the love with have for those close. 50 Cent said 'Some days wouldn't special, if it wasn't for rain, joy wouldn't feel so good if it wasn't for pain.' that's something I hope to keep reminding myself of it every day!
On a good note, I’m helping my sister write her story and it’s called ‘Rule The World’ I know, right? I’m a very busy girl but I seem to live better in chaos, stressed and zombified.
I usually have a short fuse, today, I'm apparently unaffected.
Title info. Maria Mena
Peace,
ThaWriterzSoundtrack.
Is it my ego?
Since my sister was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma life has been very different, and we've all been different personalities but sometimes there'll be glimpses of the old us, my sister in particular has changed a lot of course, there's no way you get cancer and don't change. But, it's on the good days that I remember the girl before the illness, the one who used to make me laugh so hard I'd choke or carry me away with her singing.
There's not much of that right now, and I know the doctor said it would take up to a year for her to feel normal again but my patience sometimes wavers, I'm like a sponge, I soak up the moods of the ones around me and chemo would leave her really drained and sick in turn leaving me the same. She gets really low, and I mean really low and unresponsive, sometimes tearful, after everything that's happened to her I can't blame her either but sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode. The emotion is too powerful to hide from, it fills the whole house and once I'm affected EVERYONE else is affected. Why?
I'm the strong one, I didn't give myself the role, it kind of just happened from a young age and with everyone falling apart I knew if I did too then the fight would be over before it had begun so I became comic relief, I didn't let anyone cry for long without making them laugh. After a while it became habit and I didn't know how to cry even when I was absolutely devastated or falling to pieces, writing has always been my survival and so I relied on that to keep me from giving up on myself.
Now I figure that the difference is my ego. I sometimes forget that it is normal for my sister to have mood swings and on those days where I'm affected by it and react I realize that it's my ego not allowing me to let it go. If I take the time to remember what she's been through, what we've all been through the past two years than I can let it go, and I do when I remember but sometimes it seems so unreal, like it didn't happen to her, us.
The days that I do forget that it happened to us are the days that I'm affected by everything, from her moods to my step dad laughing too loud but when I remember to appreciate the lesson and the journey I realize what's worth my reaction.
I guess what I'm saying is trials and tribulations really do show us what matters and what doesn't, some of us spend too much time being angry or hateful that we forget to focus on the love with have for those close. 50 Cent said 'Some days wouldn't special, if it wasn't for rain, joy wouldn't feel so good if it wasn't for pain.' that's something I hope to keep reminding myself of it every day!
On a good note, I’m helping my sister write her story and it’s called ‘Rule The World’ I know, right? I’m a very busy girl but I seem to live better in chaos, stressed and zombified.
I usually have a short fuse, today, I'm apparently unaffected.
Title info. Maria Mena
Peace,
ThaWriterzSoundtrack.
Tuesday, 16 March 2010
4. Goodnight Goodnight
I've never been more tired, I can barely keep my eyes open but I really want to get another chapter of 'Rehab' done, I'm contemplating taking a nap for a few hours but it's already six in the evening. I already have trouble sleeping at night so I'm not sure it would be a good idea to sleep so early because then I'd wake up at some ungodly hour and be up till morning. Meanwhile, I'm not awake enough to write the twenty second chapter of 'Rehab' and make sense!!!
Argh, I write something every day even if it's not a full chapter and I just have a feeling that if I don't try and write something now I'll miss a day. This afternoon, my sister and I had to go to the hospital for her blood test, she has to have it day before Chemo which is every fortnight but we're in there every week anyway because she has a Hickman line that needs to be flushed regularly to avoid any blood clots forming. These appointments leave me completely shattered and I'm not even the one getting treatment, I don't know how she does it, my sister. I have a great of respect and admiration for her, she's been receiving treatment for over a year now and it's been the toughest year of our lives but she still keeps strong. We've grown so close to her personal nurses who aren't incredibly older than us, the most is ten years but I don't feel the gap and I was saying to my sis, either they're too young to be old or we're too old to be young. I definitely think it's the latter, I think I've always been an old soul, my friends have always been older than me and I was dubbed the agony aunt more than once. LOL
Of the two nurses, one went on holiday to Australia for a month which was a bummer for us because we get on with her so well, she does 'Porkies' impressions that leave us in tears and then there is the other one who is so adorable and with the times, unlike nurse backpacking who doesn't even have internet and just bought her first iPod, we were very proud. I should really find cover names for them, hmm, from now on let's call 'Porkie' obsessed Kelly and adorable Patsy. Patsy is a total Sci fi nerd like me and when she found I wrote she was squeeing, we exchanged emails and I started sending her chapters of my Sci fi story which she's loving and has already resorted to threatening me to get the others to her.
I also ran into an old friend, he's a writer too and we agreed to swap stories but because I'm such a disorganized existence I forgot to and now I'm realizing it's been a few months. The plan is to do that after my chapter but right now I've gotta go make some food because I'm hungry, hopefully it keeps me awake longer. LOL
Tile info. Maroon 5
Adieus,
ThaWriterzSoundtrack.
Argh, I write something every day even if it's not a full chapter and I just have a feeling that if I don't try and write something now I'll miss a day. This afternoon, my sister and I had to go to the hospital for her blood test, she has to have it day before Chemo which is every fortnight but we're in there every week anyway because she has a Hickman line that needs to be flushed regularly to avoid any blood clots forming. These appointments leave me completely shattered and I'm not even the one getting treatment, I don't know how she does it, my sister. I have a great of respect and admiration for her, she's been receiving treatment for over a year now and it's been the toughest year of our lives but she still keeps strong. We've grown so close to her personal nurses who aren't incredibly older than us, the most is ten years but I don't feel the gap and I was saying to my sis, either they're too young to be old or we're too old to be young. I definitely think it's the latter, I think I've always been an old soul, my friends have always been older than me and I was dubbed the agony aunt more than once. LOL
Of the two nurses, one went on holiday to Australia for a month which was a bummer for us because we get on with her so well, she does 'Porkies' impressions that leave us in tears and then there is the other one who is so adorable and with the times, unlike nurse backpacking who doesn't even have internet and just bought her first iPod, we were very proud. I should really find cover names for them, hmm, from now on let's call 'Porkie' obsessed Kelly and adorable Patsy. Patsy is a total Sci fi nerd like me and when she found I wrote she was squeeing, we exchanged emails and I started sending her chapters of my Sci fi story which she's loving and has already resorted to threatening me to get the others to her.
I also ran into an old friend, he's a writer too and we agreed to swap stories but because I'm such a disorganized existence I forgot to and now I'm realizing it's been a few months. The plan is to do that after my chapter but right now I've gotta go make some food because I'm hungry, hopefully it keeps me awake longer. LOL
Tile info. Maroon 5
Adieus,
ThaWriterzSoundtrack.
Sunday, 14 March 2010
2. Mother's Day!
I was planning on updating this blog yesterday but my brother came over, and I haven't seen him for a few weeks so I did what those close to me would say was impossible, I shut down the laptop. Yep, craziness!
We hung out, which is always fun and watched a couple videos. Specifically, battle videos on Grind Time which are really good, I definitely prefer rap battles over actual rap music in the industry right now. We also watched a couple of videos on youtube 'Human Body' Muay Thai, I found it especially interesting as my brothers take Muay Thai twice a week, some of the moves and the devastating damage it can do was both fascinating and scary. I've always loved Kung fu movies, grew up watching it with my parents, brother and sister at the time so there aren't many Kung Fu movies I haven't seen.
I myself have always been interested in taking lessons but I'm not sure which would suit me, I'd like to do mixed material arts and learn a bit of a lot styles. But, right now I'm considering Taekwondo, Ninjutsu and Wing chun.
On another note, my sister and I have successfully converted my brother into a Vampire Diaries fan, my cousin was here too so we put on the first one and by the end of the second one, they were hooked. Romance isn't usually my brother's thing, but he's a fan of bad guys and that's what Damon is, he also likes the possiblity of Stefan's struggle not to want blood. He may not feed on humans anymore but seriously, he always looks like he wants to, he can't help how he reacts to the sight and smell and so there's always that risk that he'll fall off the wagon, and I look foward to it.
Anyway, enought about that. I really wanted to post tonight to wish every mother out there a Happy Mother's day! My mother is very special to me, she's the strongest woman I've ever known and I aspire to be half the person she is, my sister and I lay in bed this morning and we were laughing when he realized how many children she actually has. By blood she has five kids, four girls and a boy but she has soo much more by heart and it's incredible. Admittedly, I'm not always a happy bunny when it comes to sharing her but our family has become so much bigger, it brings me great joy to know and see how many people love my mum and thank God everyday for her being in their lives. The people she's helped, taken in, given a second chance and the lives that she's changed for the better truly makes me so proud to be her daughter.
I love you, mummy!
Hugs to all the mama's around the globe.
Ja matta ne,
ThaWriterzSountrack.
We hung out, which is always fun and watched a couple videos. Specifically, battle videos on Grind Time which are really good, I definitely prefer rap battles over actual rap music in the industry right now. We also watched a couple of videos on youtube 'Human Body' Muay Thai, I found it especially interesting as my brothers take Muay Thai twice a week, some of the moves and the devastating damage it can do was both fascinating and scary. I've always loved Kung fu movies, grew up watching it with my parents, brother and sister at the time so there aren't many Kung Fu movies I haven't seen.
I myself have always been interested in taking lessons but I'm not sure which would suit me, I'd like to do mixed material arts and learn a bit of a lot styles. But, right now I'm considering Taekwondo, Ninjutsu and Wing chun.
On another note, my sister and I have successfully converted my brother into a Vampire Diaries fan, my cousin was here too so we put on the first one and by the end of the second one, they were hooked. Romance isn't usually my brother's thing, but he's a fan of bad guys and that's what Damon is, he also likes the possiblity of Stefan's struggle not to want blood. He may not feed on humans anymore but seriously, he always looks like he wants to, he can't help how he reacts to the sight and smell and so there's always that risk that he'll fall off the wagon, and I look foward to it.
Anyway, enought about that. I really wanted to post tonight to wish every mother out there a Happy Mother's day! My mother is very special to me, she's the strongest woman I've ever known and I aspire to be half the person she is, my sister and I lay in bed this morning and we were laughing when he realized how many children she actually has. By blood she has five kids, four girls and a boy but she has soo much more by heart and it's incredible. Admittedly, I'm not always a happy bunny when it comes to sharing her but our family has become so much bigger, it brings me great joy to know and see how many people love my mum and thank God everyday for her being in their lives. The people she's helped, taken in, given a second chance and the lives that she's changed for the better truly makes me so proud to be her daughter.
I love you, mummy!
Hugs to all the mama's around the globe.
Ja matta ne,
ThaWriterzSountrack.
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